The Sleeping Monster
Depression is a deep part of my struggle. It's not even consious depression. It's this thing that comes over me every so often. It wraps it's arms around me and drags me under like an anaconda does to it's prey.
I don't want to do anything. I don't want to make choices, nor do I want them made for me. It's like the kid whos room is packed with toys, a stack of art supplies, a shelf of books, and has a back yard with a tree house in it, but has "nothing to do." There's no motivation.
Sometimes there's a profound sense of sadness and loss with no real reason. It feels like there's a constant lump in my throat. I'm on the verge of tears yet swallowing them down. Most days, when tears threaten, I can push them down. But when this things take hold of me, my mind lets loose all these emotions and memories and the crying starts. It's not just tears falling it's uncontrolable sobbing. This would happen almost daily before I was on medication.
It used to be that i would sit around and sigh when I was depressed. Or throw myself into so much I didn't have time to think about things. When depression did catch up with me, I would snack. If I had to do something, I didn't put much into it. I would cut to try to get endorphines. Even just the light scratches would snap me out because of the rush of adreneline at having to keep it a secret. The constant fear of someone finding out, gave a burst of energy.
Lately I sleep. I don't eat or write or read. I don't shower. I even will ignore taking my medicine. I just sleep. I say I'm fine. I even believe it at times. I might get up to go to the bathroom or do a chore that has to be done but mostly I sleep. I will eat a little, but nothing like what I would normally eat. I just plain don't "feel" good.
Most of the time no one notices anything except that i'm sleepy. I might not even recognize it as depression. I'll say i'm fine and really believe that until I get that rush of endorphines. When that happens, it's like the sleeping monster gets kicked and decides to step back. Laying under that monster is me. I've been squished and repressed by it. But once is leaves, I'm ready to live again.
I don't want to do anything. I don't want to make choices, nor do I want them made for me. It's like the kid whos room is packed with toys, a stack of art supplies, a shelf of books, and has a back yard with a tree house in it, but has "nothing to do." There's no motivation.
Sometimes there's a profound sense of sadness and loss with no real reason. It feels like there's a constant lump in my throat. I'm on the verge of tears yet swallowing them down. Most days, when tears threaten, I can push them down. But when this things take hold of me, my mind lets loose all these emotions and memories and the crying starts. It's not just tears falling it's uncontrolable sobbing. This would happen almost daily before I was on medication.
It used to be that i would sit around and sigh when I was depressed. Or throw myself into so much I didn't have time to think about things. When depression did catch up with me, I would snack. If I had to do something, I didn't put much into it. I would cut to try to get endorphines. Even just the light scratches would snap me out because of the rush of adreneline at having to keep it a secret. The constant fear of someone finding out, gave a burst of energy.
Lately I sleep. I don't eat or write or read. I don't shower. I even will ignore taking my medicine. I just sleep. I say I'm fine. I even believe it at times. I might get up to go to the bathroom or do a chore that has to be done but mostly I sleep. I will eat a little, but nothing like what I would normally eat. I just plain don't "feel" good.
Most of the time no one notices anything except that i'm sleepy. I might not even recognize it as depression. I'll say i'm fine and really believe that until I get that rush of endorphines. When that happens, it's like the sleeping monster gets kicked and decides to step back. Laying under that monster is me. I've been squished and repressed by it. But once is leaves, I'm ready to live again.
posted by KAT | 10:53 AM
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