'pressed

Today is not a good day for me. I am feeling really down and like no one really cares. I have all these friends on my facebook and they are people I know in real life, yet I hear no replies to my messages. It makes me feel even worse than I already do. It is not a great place to be in.

Maybe it's just a seasonal thing. Or maybe it's the poor sleep pattern. I'm not sure. But right now I miss my friends.

I love so easily and care so deeply for people. I think of nearly everyone I was close to at one time and i long for that closeness and friendship to be there again. But people get married, have kids, lose touch and sometimes there are issues that cannot be overcome. That doesn't mean my care for them is gone. But they move on and I am stuck in the past.

I hate this disease! It makes it so difficult to be happy. It makes it so easy to fall into the hole I clawed my way out of.

I am sure this will pass, just as it always does. But I am not feeling great right now. I am sad and lonely and a little angry that I give so much and do no seem to get much in return.

Free to Choose?

Sabine has asked me to move in with her again. We will have to get rid of furniture and clutter we have accumulated over the years. We will also be living in a much smaller apartment with only one bed room and one bathroom.

It is a great idea for finances. If her ex continues to be a jerk and withhold monies from her, she will need the help. As of now, I am here more than at my place and I have bought food for her and litter and cat food. I am trying to help her but then I think that this is all so ridiculous.

Her apartment is on the 2ND floor. 15 steps. I have very bad knees. My apartment is on the ground floor. No stairs and no hills really.

And of course I am hesitant to live in the confines of such a small place. What if we don't get along again? What if we irritate each other? And of course there is the tediousness of moving AGAIN. I signed a lease.... So I don't know what to do.

Do I love my girl? Without a doubt. Am I afraid? Absolutely. I just have to decide what impact this change could bring and if that is worth it. I don't want to lose again.

Forced Changes

Nothing stays the same. and that's usually a good thing. Change is welcome when the situation you are in is not a good one or you are just plain bored with your life. But then there is sudden, dramatic change.

It can be overly traumatic when you find yourself in unwanted, unyielding change. Your closest friend moving away. having to take an elderly animal to a shelter. Being taken away by police. Having guns pointed at you. Being held at a mental health facility. Losing your place to live. And not knowing if the person you love with all your heart will ever speak to you again.

Those were (and some still are) the changes I have had to deal with.

I spent nearly a month moving and helping my love move into her new place. I had to find my own place and figure out how to live on a tight budget.

Fortunately, things are working out with my very special girl and me. I am scared to be alone at my place, but she has me over to hers often and for a few days at a time. The budget it massively different. And she cannot help me as much as she thought she could.

My life has changed a lot in the past month. I will not phone the police. I have a protective order against me (it will be dropped soon though). I've had to move into my own place alone. I haven't lived alone in about 10 years.

My girl says our relationship will be just fine even though we don't live together. Honestly, I'm not sure of that. How can people remain close if they live apart? How can we remain in love if there is fear or mistrust? I'm not sure if I feel okay about how things went. I'm not sure I feel okay... I really don't know.

All I know is that I was forced into changes. I have been traumatized and I am very unsure about how things will turn out.

Crazy Is

The problem with being crazy, is actually being crazy.





Unfortunately, the system for tending to the mentally ill does not always work the best. We run out of medication and think we are fine, the we go longer and longer and by the time we realise we are not fine, the agency responsible for our care says we waited too long. With the medication gone, we are not longer clear, no longer safe. And it all just spirals.





We can't figure out how to solve the problem right in front of us. When our minds work correctly, then the sollution is easy to find and accept. But with the chaos of our minds and that feeling of your mind crumbling into itself, thre just is no answer to be found at the time.

The Lost Girl

I have been making plans to go to Australia. So far nothing is set in stone. Aside from the fact that I have been fascinated with Australia as a whole since I was a child, I have some Internet friends that live there. I would love to meet face to face with the people I have been chatting with over the years. I also have a friend who is very ill.

When I was in college, my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer. This was less than a year after my mother died from cancer. She was going through treatments and my dad got the family together to go see her. I was out of state at a private university so I didn't have the money to go. My family offered to pay. I came down with walking pneumonia and I was worried about making my grandmother more ill so I didn't go. She died a short while later.

Right now, I am not in the best financial situation to make a trip half-way around the world. But I am determined not to have any regrets when my friend does pass. I don't want to feel guilty for never seeing her or never attempting to.

I worry that I will get there and there will be excuses not to see me. I worry we will not get along in person. I know, I worry too much. But people are not always what they seem from behind a computer screen. I try to be myself. Most people are fake or at least not as honest as when you are face to face with them.

Also, I have to consider that just to get on a plane, I will need to loose weight. I don't want to run into the embarrassing situation of not fitting in a seat and needing an extender then being charged for another seat.

Since I've not figured it all out yet, I feel like a lost little girl. It's like being thrown into the woods blindfolded and trying to find your way out with no resources. I'm confused, scared, frustrated and I feel very alone in this.

SELF

Who am I?

What does it matter?

I feel so lost right now. I'm not sure what I am here for or who I am. I feel like I am slipping, my memory is breaking.

Is it from not practicing remembering or is it just a progression of mental illness or a side effect of one of the medications I am on? I don't know. I do know I feel like my mind is scattered in a million directions.

I am not sure how to refocus or how to get back the near perfect memory I once had. I feel like I have lost myself. I have slipped into inky darkness with no hope of resurrection.

When Friendships "Attack"

Yesterday, I was speaking with a friend that I've known for 7 years. During the course of our conversation, we had a disagreement over something very silly. My friend was upset by it. She asked if I went to college. But the way she said it seemed like she assumed I had not gone and was ignorant. Not only did it hurt my feelings that she assumed I had not gone to college, but I was also really insulted at what that implied. I said goodnight to her and went to cool off.

This reminded me of something that happened when I was in 6th grade. My best friend and I at the time had an argument over a few cents in change. She became so angry that she threw all the change into my locker and stopped speaking to me. We probably both said some things we didn't mean, I honestly can't remember now. She has not spoken to me since.

It seems that I get to a certain point in all my friendships or relationships and it goes wrong. Friends I had for 10 years or more no longer speak to me. Their lives are better without me (in their words). And I know some of that has to do with my depression being an emotional drain. Fortunately, I am doing much better now with proper medications.

Anyway, it seems that I am not very good at relationships. Maybe I cling too close or love too deeply. Maybe it is the anger I have struggled with for so long (though that is much much better). Or the depression that sometimes threatens to devour me. Maybe it's the people I choose. I honestly don't know.

When I tell people that things are part of my disorder, they get frustrated with me. Of course not everything can be excused with that phrase. But I am not trying to excuse, only explain that I have very little power over being borderline and sometimes I am worn out and make mistakes.

I am physically unwell pretty often also and that frustrates the people I love. And people who know me. They get tired of hearing it. But I get tired of it too. I am tired of not walking and not being able to hike. I am tired of taking a hand full of pills twice a day to keep my symptoms (physical health) in check. I am tired of being fat.

I have always wanted to be a person who built others up. But it seems I am the wrecking ball in my relationships. All I can do is learn. And try. And live. It is just not easy when friendships attack.