When Friendships "Attack"
Yesterday, I was speaking with a friend that I've known for 7 years. During the course of our conversation, we had a disagreement over something very silly. My friend was upset by it. She asked if I went to college. But the way she said it seemed like she assumed I had not gone and was ignorant. Not only did it hurt my feelings that she assumed I had not gone to college, but I was also really insulted at what that implied. I said goodnight to her and went to cool off.
This reminded me of something that happened when I was in 6th grade. My best friend and I at the time had an argument over a few cents in change. She became so angry that she threw all the change into my locker and stopped speaking to me. We probably both said some things we didn't mean, I honestly can't remember now. She has not spoken to me since.
It seems that I get to a certain point in all my friendships or relationships and it goes wrong. Friends I had for 10 years or more no longer speak to me. Their lives are better without me (in their words). And I know some of that has to do with my depression being an emotional drain. Fortunately, I am doing much better now with proper medications.
Anyway, it seems that I am not very good at relationships. Maybe I cling too close or love too deeply. Maybe it is the anger I have struggled with for so long (though that is much much better). Or the depression that sometimes threatens to devour me. Maybe it's the people I choose. I honestly don't know.
When I tell people that things are part of my disorder, they get frustrated with me. Of course not everything can be excused with that phrase. But I am not trying to excuse, only explain that I have very little power over being borderline and sometimes I am worn out and make mistakes.
I am physically unwell pretty often also and that frustrates the people I love. And people who know me. They get tired of hearing it. But I get tired of it too. I am tired of not walking and not being able to hike. I am tired of taking a hand full of pills twice a day to keep my symptoms (physical health) in check. I am tired of being fat.
I have always wanted to be a person who built others up. But it seems I am the wrecking ball in my relationships. All I can do is learn. And try. And live. It is just not easy when friendships attack.
This reminded me of something that happened when I was in 6th grade. My best friend and I at the time had an argument over a few cents in change. She became so angry that she threw all the change into my locker and stopped speaking to me. We probably both said some things we didn't mean, I honestly can't remember now. She has not spoken to me since.
It seems that I get to a certain point in all my friendships or relationships and it goes wrong. Friends I had for 10 years or more no longer speak to me. Their lives are better without me (in their words). And I know some of that has to do with my depression being an emotional drain. Fortunately, I am doing much better now with proper medications.
Anyway, it seems that I am not very good at relationships. Maybe I cling too close or love too deeply. Maybe it is the anger I have struggled with for so long (though that is much much better). Or the depression that sometimes threatens to devour me. Maybe it's the people I choose. I honestly don't know.
When I tell people that things are part of my disorder, they get frustrated with me. Of course not everything can be excused with that phrase. But I am not trying to excuse, only explain that I have very little power over being borderline and sometimes I am worn out and make mistakes.
I am physically unwell pretty often also and that frustrates the people I love. And people who know me. They get tired of hearing it. But I get tired of it too. I am tired of not walking and not being able to hike. I am tired of taking a hand full of pills twice a day to keep my symptoms (physical health) in check. I am tired of being fat.
I have always wanted to be a person who built others up. But it seems I am the wrecking ball in my relationships. All I can do is learn. And try. And live. It is just not easy when friendships attack.
posted by KAT | 6:59 AM
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