The Lone Wolf

Not many people can tell, with my blond hair and blue eyes, that I have Native American blood in my lineage. When I was younger, I became very interested in that aspect of my ancestry. Though I have not done tribe specific research, I did come across information on "spirit guides" and "totem animals". Shamans, medicine men and other spiritual advisers say that the animal you are most drawn to and share the most traits with is your totem or spirit animal.

All my life, I have been drawn to the wolf. The wolf is loyal, mating for life. It is family oriented, living in a pack. It is strong, quick and intelligent shown in the way it organizes hunts. But like people, there are times when a wolf does not fit. Either the fur is an odd color, making it stick out and hard to be an effective hunter, or it is ill or old and thus cast out.

Most of the times, I thought of myself as being a part of the larger group, but as my mental illness has gotten worse, I felt more and more drawn to the black she-wolf. The loner who cares for her pups (whatever shape they take). The one who tries to join in only to be excluded or chased off.

My mental illness makes it difficult to fit in. Most of the time, I get by on the outskirts of society. But like a lone wolf, I cannot glean the benefits of society for long without being noticed and singled out. Eventually, the misfit in me is discovered and I am chased away from the pack once again.

"Cracked emotions"

"What does it mean that you have 'cracked emotions'?"

That is what my darling one asked me today. We had a long discussion over feelings and the realisation that I felt I would be asked to leave. We talked and there were tears from me, but I am not sure if from her. All I know is I was a wreck.

I have BDP (borderline personality disorder). One of the diagnostic criteria for this is that people with BDP have "inappropriate affect". That means the emotional response is not what one would expect from others without BPD. The response can be too over the top or seem completely lacking in emotion. Say a dog dies in a TV show. Yes it's sad. Most people would say so and move on. Someone who is borderline may weep and be extremely sad. Or they could inappropriately joke at a funeral, or have no emotional feeling towards those events at all.

When I said I am emotionally cracked, I mean that I'm fragile. Like those candle holders made of glass that is all crackled. They can handle heat, but too hot of a candle will make it shatter. Or a sudden drop in temperature will shatter it. You can have the candle holder in the sunlight for years and then one day it shatters from the temperature change. that is how I am. I used to be unafraid of the things of life. Now I am fearful. I used to be the one to take care of things, but now I feel if I have too much I will fall apart or shut down. I used to be able to take and take the words of those around me, but now everything hits like an arrow to my sensitive heart.

I'm not saying I cannot handle life. Even the crackled candle-holder is serviceable for holding a lit flame. I am not saying a cannot manage stress. No one has to walk around on eggs shells, I just need a little consistency. I need to know things will be the same day after day, or similar. Maybe I have had too much "life" in a short time. But I am that crackled candle-holder and I need to know you will not be the heat or cold that shatters me.