The Lone Wolf

Not many people can tell, with my blond hair and blue eyes, that I have Native American blood in my lineage. When I was younger, I became very interested in that aspect of my ancestry. Though I have not done tribe specific research, I did come across information on "spirit guides" and "totem animals". Shamans, medicine men and other spiritual advisers say that the animal you are most drawn to and share the most traits with is your totem or spirit animal.

All my life, I have been drawn to the wolf. The wolf is loyal, mating for life. It is family oriented, living in a pack. It is strong, quick and intelligent shown in the way it organizes hunts. But like people, there are times when a wolf does not fit. Either the fur is an odd color, making it stick out and hard to be an effective hunter, or it is ill or old and thus cast out.

Most of the times, I thought of myself as being a part of the larger group, but as my mental illness has gotten worse, I felt more and more drawn to the black she-wolf. The loner who cares for her pups (whatever shape they take). The one who tries to join in only to be excluded or chased off.

My mental illness makes it difficult to fit in. Most of the time, I get by on the outskirts of society. But like a lone wolf, I cannot glean the benefits of society for long without being noticed and singled out. Eventually, the misfit in me is discovered and I am chased away from the pack once again.