Living is more than going through the motions.
Right now I am in a huge struggle. My life has taken some amazing turns and I am so proud of the person I am becoming. I now have a good job at a wonderful company. I love working for Womenspace inc. I am relief staff for the safe house and I've really enjoyed learning and helping people.
I am still living at my dad's house and that is stressful because I know he doesn't want me here. It could end at any given time. People don't understand the stress I have coming out of my room, looking to see if there is a note telling me I'm not doing enough and it's time to move in just a few days.
And here's the rub. I owe old complexes through the loss of roommates. No one here will rent to me with that on my credit report. I have found a few places I could afford if only I had the other places paid off. So I am participating in the St Vincent de Paul Renter's Rehabilitation program. It is a massive amount of work for anyone, especially a disabled person and you have to pay to take it. I am to get my credit reports from all agencies, find out if there are any evictions in my names, find out what I owe to places and make arrangements to pay. They want a budget and income info as well as short term and long term goals. I find it invasive and extremely difficult to comprehend.
I have so many agencies and doctors I am supposed to meet with, I feel like I will never be able to accomplish anything. I have work and I'm expected to spend time with my family, form friendships and renew contact with friends, take care of my health, eat and sleep on regular schedules, avoid the 20 things I'm allergic or intolerant of, remember my medications, save for moving, save for clothing, save for car repairs, pay my bills on time and generally be a functioning adult. I have obstacles, like most people. But with the excessive emotions, lots of pressure from myself and others and chronic illnesses, I feel like I have a little more against me than others.
I learned something about perfectionism. That it can lead to self-defeating behavior, procrastination and giving up before starting. Seems familiar in the way I think and act, though it's not a conscious giving up but a feeling that nothing is ever good enough. I am the daughter of a brilliant man. The sibling of a smart, talented sister and a amazing, caring, smart, athletic brother. When my mom and little brother were alive, I felt I had them. I felt they understood me a little. And even though my sister wants to be in my life, she can be too much at times.
I know, suck it up. Life isn't fair. God won't give you more than you can handle... I know all those sayings. I have all the skills and knowledge in my head. But putting it into practice is where I fail so often. Knowing what to do and say in a situation is one thing. Actually doing and saying those things in a situation is a completely different beast. Now I'm probably rambling. But this is all stuffed into my head and my emotions are shut down at this point so I don't go into a full blown panic.
I just need a little more. Not much but more.
I am still living at my dad's house and that is stressful because I know he doesn't want me here. It could end at any given time. People don't understand the stress I have coming out of my room, looking to see if there is a note telling me I'm not doing enough and it's time to move in just a few days.
And here's the rub. I owe old complexes through the loss of roommates. No one here will rent to me with that on my credit report. I have found a few places I could afford if only I had the other places paid off. So I am participating in the St Vincent de Paul Renter's Rehabilitation program. It is a massive amount of work for anyone, especially a disabled person and you have to pay to take it. I am to get my credit reports from all agencies, find out if there are any evictions in my names, find out what I owe to places and make arrangements to pay. They want a budget and income info as well as short term and long term goals. I find it invasive and extremely difficult to comprehend.
I have so many agencies and doctors I am supposed to meet with, I feel like I will never be able to accomplish anything. I have work and I'm expected to spend time with my family, form friendships and renew contact with friends, take care of my health, eat and sleep on regular schedules, avoid the 20 things I'm allergic or intolerant of, remember my medications, save for moving, save for clothing, save for car repairs, pay my bills on time and generally be a functioning adult. I have obstacles, like most people. But with the excessive emotions, lots of pressure from myself and others and chronic illnesses, I feel like I have a little more against me than others.
I learned something about perfectionism. That it can lead to self-defeating behavior, procrastination and giving up before starting. Seems familiar in the way I think and act, though it's not a conscious giving up but a feeling that nothing is ever good enough. I am the daughter of a brilliant man. The sibling of a smart, talented sister and a amazing, caring, smart, athletic brother. When my mom and little brother were alive, I felt I had them. I felt they understood me a little. And even though my sister wants to be in my life, she can be too much at times.
I know, suck it up. Life isn't fair. God won't give you more than you can handle... I know all those sayings. I have all the skills and knowledge in my head. But putting it into practice is where I fail so often. Knowing what to do and say in a situation is one thing. Actually doing and saying those things in a situation is a completely different beast. Now I'm probably rambling. But this is all stuffed into my head and my emotions are shut down at this point so I don't go into a full blown panic.
I just need a little more. Not much but more.
posted by KAT | 7:35 AM
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