Changes

Kat has lived with me for 6 years. She is someone I met while I was a counsellor in a Christian chatroom on MSN. I have always loved Kat. I have always tried to take care of her and protect her from herself and others. Kat has some health and mental problems. She is legally blind, diabetic, MPD and Bi-polar among those problems. I have been kicked, bitten, punched, shoved, pinched, yelled at, had things thrown at me. Always I used enough force to get her to stop and no more.

When Kat came to live with me in Oregon, she was scared of everything. Her mother had controlled her her entire life and abused her in many ways. Kat came to depend on me heavily. I wanted to help her get things better sorted. She ended up being my everything. Like a child who needed care, a woman who needed love, and a best friend who needed encouragement to succeed.

We have struggled at times with not making ends meet or not being in the best living arrangement. I was really sick for three months and she tended to me. Then I got sick again. Little illnesses over a years time. No energy, no time to play, not doing the chores I used to because I was too weak or drugged. She got sad and lonely and was really down.

She threw herself into a world of roleplay and fantasy. She tried to get me involved, but I was always thinking "Why play at it when I live with you?" That was a mistake. I should have seen the way she was reaching out to me and how she needed my to step up and be more.

Tuesday I had surgery on my sinuses to help me feel better and get ill less often. I was a really sick person when I got home since they gave me insulin. My blood sugar went nuts. Kat took care of me and made sure I was okay, even though she was on the phone to an ageplay friend. Dawn doesn't know how to deal with diabetes. She doesn't really even know how to deal with emotions.

Kat left Wednesday. She took a bus to Georgia. Kind of full circle I guess since when she came to live with me, she came from Georgia. She is not with her family, thank God. She went to live with a woman and her two daughters and two grand children. I am not sure how this will go over, but I do know I have not been able to speak with her since she got there. Phone seems to cut me off everytime I call there. If I don't hear from her by next week there will be greater force in my efforts.

When I started writing this yesterday, I was very very upset. I was crying so hard I couldn't breathe. I felt totally alone, then I accidentally shut this window. I thought I lost all the writings. Thank God for auto save.

I am so very lonely. I miss Kat. He laughter, the constant music or sound of games, her random hugs or calling "mommy" to make lunch or dinner. I miss all that and I want it back. But she chose to move and needs to have this time to spread her wings and stretch her legs. Maybe the "itchy feet" will end with this journey. Maybe there is a u-turn in this road and she comes back my way. Whatever it is, my life has changed.

I have learned I need to pay more attention to those I care for. That just because someone is right next to you doesn't mean they don't feel alone or lonely. I learned to say things when you finally know you love someone and can't live without them. I have learned that in 6 years your entire world can change and you not realise how much until one person is removed. I have learned that I love Kat more than I could ever understand or say.